saturn returns. and he’s got a beard.

So the other night i am sitting in a wide open field with the beautiful donna johns and we are discussing the meaning of life and the cosmos as the meteors showered over us. It was a beautiful night (in fact, the whole weekend with donna was just magical…more to come in a future post). Donna surprised me by talking about astrology. But i shouldnt have been surprised. She is from the sixties, remember? And girls in the 60′s were all over astrology. Anyway, she starts talking about how i am in a period of my astrological calendar called the ‘saturn return’. She said, and i quote:

“The saturn return is the ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried. It is often unsettling, even painful. It usually occurs sometime between ages 28-30, for it is the first time the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart and returns to the spot it occupied when you were born. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world’s stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual’s search for the Holy Grail.”

Now, while i think donna is just the most, i really am not into astrology. In fact, ive always identified with what jim morrison had to say about astrology after the end of the live version of ‘roadhouse blues.’ he said:

“Alright! Alright! Alright! Hey, listen! Listen! Listen, man! listen, man! I don’t know how many you people believe in astrology…yeah, that’s right, baby, I…I am a Sagittarius, the most philosophical of all the signs. But anyway, I don’t believe in it. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit, myself. But I tell you this, man, I tell you this…I don’t know what’s gonna happen, man, but I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames! Alright!”

Like jim, i too am a sagitarrius, the most philosophical of all the signs. and a little philosophizing on this whole deal lead me down a long strange trip. You see, Jim really did wanna have his kicks, and one night in paris he kicked too hard and ended up drowning in his own vomit. He was 28, and in his saturn return. He was pudgy and had a beard. This has great consequences. Here is a picture of jim:

About the same time jim is coronating himself as the lizard king, a 26 year old brian wilson is distancing himself from touring with the beach boys and creating music that is much different than the sound for which the band was originally known. Ive been into brian wilson a lot lately…ive seen a few documentaries and read a biography, and he is quite an interesting fellow. Did anyone catch his performance at live 8? I won’t even talk about that. Anyway, we all know what happened to poor genius brian…he found some bad drugs, made 1/2 of smile, went nuts after he thought his music was causing fires around LA and then decided to scrap the record and stay in bed for the 70′s. Whats interesting is that he also grew a beard and got fat. see here:

Anyone noticing a pattern?

On a more contemporary note, beloved grunge-rocker-cum-goth-boy billy corgan also fits within this schema. Billy once fronted one of the greatest grunge bands of the 90′s, only to lose it because of a serious case of megalomania. After the pumpkins disbanded billy made a train wreck of a record with his new band, zwan. It really sucked. He also gained a few pounds and grew a beard:

The trail doesnt end here, friends. No, for the greatest musician is still left.

By the time John Lennon was in his saturn return he had quite a beard and like the others listed above, his life was falling apart. Within his saturn return the beatles broke up and he temporarily split with yoko (which many of you would think was a good thing, but yoko is cool in my book. have you ever seen her conceptual art pieces??). The cia was all over him, he received deportation orders and then spent his “lost weekend” in la, living in a cloud of drugs and alcohol for nearly a year and a half. The only reason he didnt get fat was because his drug of choice was heroin. We all know what john looks like, and we all know what ended up happening to him, too:

There are a number of other bewildering beard biographies:

Brad pitt grew a beard during his saturn return and made some bad movies.

Its always sucked to be amish.

Anybody remember ol’ Blackbeard? He was a son of a bitch.

Then theres this dude, not in his saturn return, but still:

The worst case of all might be Richard Karn. Again, not in his saturn return, but probably still working out of it, poor guy.

And finally, here i am, looking all tortured and melancholic (and unfortunately resembling al borland, as pictured above):

Ive got all the makings of a tragic saturn return: the artistic personality, a bit of extra weight, and the beard. Im not crazy though, or at least thats what my multi-decade-transcending-astrology-loving-imaginary-girlfriend says. All thats left for me to do is put a sand box in my bedroom and get coronated by some genus of reptile. Or i could sell all my electronics and get my amish on.

Or maybe i should just shave.