i cant feel my leg

Many years ago chris roberts, an old friend and former sunday school teacher from way back in the day, taught me a valuable lesson. Outside of this one lesson i recall his strange love for jesus, mystery science theatre, blackjack and zz top. He would often proclaim that he “got elvis in his pelvis” and would then launch into singing a mean blues song he had written about the effects of poor circulation and diabetes (see this post’s subject for the title of said song). He had hot wife named melissa who drank TAB.

So anyway, about this lesson i referred to…its not anything of the spiritual variety. No, it was a valuable lesson in dating. What chris roberts told me (on numerous occasions) was, “jared, remember this one thing about dating: all relationships end at the state line.” I think chris was trying to prepare me for the day i would move away for college and leave my high school sweetheart pining. I shouldve listened to chris back then, for the first couple years of college were full of bouts of fighting and interstate heartbreak and not much fun. Because i dont want to go through all of that again, i have had to make a difficult decision this week. I had to break up with donna johns. Yeah, i know, its tough news. Here is the kleenex website if you need to dry your eyes or blow your nose- thank goodness for Kleenex brand tissue

I know you all have come to love donna very much, and while no one could love her as much as i, such is life. I am moving out of state in a few days, and i have a new life to live. Some of you might be asking, “jared, why must multi-decade-transcending-imaginary girlfriends be constrained by state lines? The very nature of their being dictates that geographic location is of no consequence!” OK, so what, smarty pants!?! Maybe youre right and maybe i just dont like being tied down. Maybe this is my chance to get out and see other people and sow some wild oats. And maybe i dont like being constantly nagged about how “we never go anywhere nice” or “why dont you ever say ‘i love you’ first?” or “you dont really need to eat that little debbie” or “why dont you ever do the dishes” or “who is emiline goulsby?” I cant take that kind of crap and i’m not about to start.

So, here is your chance to say goodbye to donna johns and pay your respects. Forget about brad and jenn or brad and angelina. jared and donna johns was the relationship of the decade. Post your comments below. I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in some TAB and think about melissa roberts.