Captain Monkey’s Last Stand

I just found this story, languishing in obscurity on a website that few could ever find. I think Randy (a friend from college), wherever he may be, would be happy that this piece has a new audience, albeit the small one that visits this blog. Randy had red hair and could recite Matthew McConaughey’s entire monologue from the final courtroom scene in A TIME TO KILL with complete aplomb. He loved Elton John and could grow a full mustache in a single day. Last i heard he made his way to film school, and with writing like this, im sure he ended up making good things. Llamas are funny. El Caminos are cool. Enjoy:

Captain Monkey’s Last Stand
by Randy Waldrop

Steam hissed from under the hood of Harry Twinkle’s dusty Volkswagen Rabbit as he rolled to the lone gas pump of Captain Monkey’s Last Stand. The desert stretched to the horizon on all sides except the east, where Harry passed a line of sandy cliffs twenty miles back. The ribbon of asphalt continued straight ahead until it fell off the earth. Harry dumped his 289 pounds out of the driver’s seat and squinted into the sun. His tiny, round glasses slid to the tip of his nose.

The filling station blended with the desert, as the same pale dirt that coated the Rabbit clung to the walls and windows of the small building. “Captain Monkey’s Last Stand” stood out in dull red letters in the center of the front glass. Harry stepped forward and a shadow fell across his face. He looked up to see the sun blocked by the hind quarter of a stuffed llama standing in the back of a beat-up El Camino. The vehicle rested atop a fifteen-foot pole protruding from the roof of the building. Harry repositioned his glasses and continued inside.

Behind the counter sat a short, brown man wearing a backwards ballcap and a Hitler mustache. He held a fan of cards in his hands and stared through his Coke-bottle glasses at an orangutan sitting across from him. The man slammed his cards to the counter. “Gin!”

The red-haired creature threw its cards to the floor, made a sputtering nooise with its lips, and flashed a wide grin at Harry.

“Howdy hombre,” said the man. “What can we do you for?”

“I just need some water. I think I overheated. Nice monkey.”

“He’s an ape, damn it!” The ape began screaming and waving his hands in the air. “Settle down, Carlos. Man didn’t know better. Go get the fella a hose.”

Carlos lowered himself from the counter and toddled out the door. The man gathered the stack of cards, tapped them on the counter, and slid them into a box.

“Overheated, huh? Well, it happens. Hot as el Diablo in the Pope’s panty drawer out there. Name’s Captain Monkey. Friends just call me Captain.”

“Nice to meet you. Harry. Say, if you don’t mind my asking, what’s that llama doing in that El Camino up there?”

Captain Monkey lowered his head. He disappeared below the counter and popped up with a small eight millimeter projector with reels attached and the film loaded.

“Sit down there, Harry, and let me show you something.”

Captain Monkey started the projector and an image appeared on the cinder block wall. The little man was behind the wheel of the El Camino. A huge green bow clung to the roof and the llama stood alive in the back. THe vehicle turned circles in the grass of some backyard and a banner hung from a tree that read, Happy Birthday Horatio. A red, hairy hand waved from behind the camera. As the truckcar made a hard left, the llama suddenly fell out and a wheel ran over its neck.

The film ran out of the projector. “And that’s how we lost Horatio. Carlos thought a simple memorial was best, so we stuffed the poor amigo and there he stays.”

Harry’s eyes widened. “Sorry to hear that.”

Carlos and Captain Monkey waved as the Rabbit kicked up a cloud of dust and tore down the highway.