the other day joey posted a message about materialism and having/buying/getting/wanting crap we dont need when there are so many others around the world who have nothing. well, i REALLY NEED this. i found it on craigslist tonight between looking for a dining table and a bookshelf. i need this scooby doo waffle maker more than anything i’ve ever needed before. and i would be happy to feed hungry african children with all the tasty scooby snacks, er, “waffles” i could make with it.

i left my computer humming, files crossing space and time to a destination half a world away. it has been days since i last left the hotel and i have to get out. i have to see the night sky and put my feet in the sand and breath the moist air. instead of just hearing the arabian sea, i need to feel it. so i am going.

in this part of the world the people have names for the wind, names like the “Aajej” and “Simoon” and “N’aschi,” each one personifying a different characteristic and behavior. i don’t know the name of the wind thats gently blowing tonight, but i’m sure it has a pleasant sound to it. the water is an inky blue, but so is the sky and sand. they are only separated by long swirling cords of silver light reflected from the moon. the tide is powerful, alive, organic, and it turns the docile waters into a giant creature that lumbers up to devour the land.

i don’t know why i was so keen on coming out here. i hate the beach. my pant-legs, despite being rolled up to just below my knee, are already wet and salty and sandy. but now like every man who’s ever stepped foot on a beach i let the visceral take over my senses and i am sucked into the sublimity of it all. i am dragged into questioning life and identity and space and time and the universe and what for and why. and i fall in love with the experience of sight and sound and smell and its so hard to leave, so difficult to face the questions. so i play games to distance myself from the unanswerable, the same games that kids play- i write in the sand with my big toe, tempting the tide to come up and wash it away. and then i am sucked out to sea again, this time mesmerized by some round orange buoys that bob and weave in and out of a line that stretches out into oblivion. they might as well be planets floating in space, each one holding its own civilizations and histories that lead up to one lonely man on a dark beach, looking out and wondering “why” and finding himself and everything else he doesn’t know reflected back in an inky blue.

from washington dc on christmas eve:
tonight marks the first christmas i have spent away from my family. and i am ok with it. i am sitting in my apartment amidst dirty clothes that have missed the hamper and old papers that missed the garbage can. i still have not unpacked my suitcase from my trip (more to come on that in a future post). there is no christmas tree, there are no lights. but really, i am ok with it. my radiator is hissing and its hot dry air is fighting a battle with the cool air brought in by the open window. the city has been quiet, with the exception of a few minutes ago when across the back courtyard a loud “HO HO HO, MERRRRRY CHRISTMAS!!!” was followed by a child’s voice exclaiming, “Mama! I just heard Santa Claus!!!” i immediately smiled and imagined how the child’s parents had just put together a creative ruse to get the kid to bed, for santa never comes when one is still awake. tonight santa claus came for me in the form of a single cardboard box. it was sent by my friend leah. its one of the best christmas presents ive ever received from a friend- inside the package was a box of qtips (the brand name, not the knock-offs!), a box of little debbie oatmeal creme pies (which i have been without sense moving to dc, for some mysterious reason), three yellow rubber duckies, some christmas chocolate, and a copy of “the moviegoer,” a novel written by southern existentialist walker percy. i am going to start reading it tonight with an oatmeal creme pie in hand and clean ears.
tomorrow morning i imagine that i will wake in enough time to get to church so i can sing some christmas carols. ill walk, and maybe say “merry christmas” to the few dog walkers i pass along the way. it shouldnt be too cold out…the weather was quite warm today. i will walk past the white dome of the capitol building and past the one house a few blocks over that has the mechanized santa claus in the front lawn. all he does is wave his arm back and forth, but with a metal-on-metal screech that makes your ears hurt. and then maybe without having to look too hard ill find an open cafe and have some brunch. after that i am going to the ellipse to see the national christmas tree, and as i stand there under the shadow of the giant tree i will think of you all and wonder what you are doing. and ill hope that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, that you are as ok with things as i am.
merry christmas.

for all you.

not sure if that’s a term i coined or not, but so true for this time of year. take a second and look around. the hustle and bustle of american society goes through the freaking roof @ xmastime every year. and no matter how non-conformist you are or want to be, buying things to keep favor with your family becomes necessity for most of us. not that giving gifts isn’t good or rewarding, it just seems like it shouldn’t be made necessary for one particular day. i’m not writing this to sound cool or holy, nor have i ever been to africa, just wanted to tell you (whichever 3 of you still have time to use computers) about a particular organization that i have recently taken great interest in: the blood:water mission. no sense in me writing a long description, they have a website: click here. $1 will provide clean drinking water for an african person for 1 year. wow. considering 6500 africans die per day from AIDS, often as a direct result of a vast clean water and clean blood shortage - this is seems so outrageous to me, while standing in line @ target. and that shit ain’t making the news everyday anymore. i’m not a good person. i don’t give money away like i could or should. in fact, i will probably only think about this .5% over the next year. that sucks. all this to say, go ahead and find a way to help for real this year.

i saw her as the car came to a stop. she saw me, too. we exchanged glances through the murky plexiglass window of the train, and i could feel her watching me as i boarded. the seat next to her was empty, but i didnt dare. not when there was an open seat next to a middle aged indian man a few rows back and to the left. my intense study of a 19th century novel was a ruse that did little to avert my gaze from her profile. her blonde hair was covered by a tan knit cap and the ridge of her nose had a cute little slope. she wore a long grey coat that slightly opened around her knee, exposing a skirt of black lace. i could tell her it is nice. or that i like it. but i wont. i didnt. and as she stands to leave 3 stations too early i see her feigned aloofness break down. she glances over. i have my chance. but you know how this ends. her legs are too long, the slope of her nose too cute, her skirt too nice for me to believe she would respond. my eyes again fall to my book in support of my charade, but they never make it to the pages. instead my attention is diverted to the tremble in her legs as the train comes to an abrupt halt and she finds her balance on tall tiny heels. the train hisses, the doors rumble open and she exits to the right, only to make an awkward and abrupt repentance in her steps. the way out is in the other direction. her confusion is given away by her looking back and forth, her blonde hair swooping from shoulder to shoulder. as the train pulls away the tunnel becomes a closing vignette, and i think of what could have been.

its 12:23 AM and there is a guy outside shoveling his sidewalk. his shovel is striking the concrete to the rhythm of a somewhat familiar motown tune. i would normally find this quite annoying, but since im not trying to sleep its not keeping me awake. and it gives me something with which i can begin this blog. earlier tonight i decided that i should do a bit of shoveling myself. i havent moved my car in about a week’s time, so it was thoroughly entrenched in snow and ice. everyone here in the neighborhood owns fancy ice scrapers to clear off their cars. i, on the other hand, was forced to use an old pizza box that i dug out of my trash. the pizza box worked well at first, but it was all over once the cardboard got wet. i was feeling fairly ridiculous…standing out in the street, wearing a corduroy sport coat and dress shoes, trying to shovel snow and ice off my car with a wet pizza box. and in that moment i began to think about how i needed a mormon to come help out. i was a church of the latter day saints commercial waiting to happen. imagine it- innapropriately dressed out-of-towner on the icy street has no idea of what he is doing, angrily smashing a wet, deteriorating pizza box into the white icy crust that has formed around his mid-sized sedan. then cut to a well dressed, well adjusted upper middle class family enjoying a warm family discussion in the kitchen over cups of hot cocoa overflowing with marshmellows. dad looks out the window and sees the clueless, helpless out-of-towner. he gives a knowing look to mom, nods at his kids, kids nod back. he puts on his sweater and coat. the next scene shows dad helping me out with his handy-dandy ice pick car shovel thingy with a voice over telling you how jesus visited the native americans and how you can get a free copy of the book of mormon along with a king james version of the bible.

there is a mormon center for mind control, er, “church” a few blocks over from my apt. ive not once seen a single soul come in or out of the place, much less help me or anybody else with their snow shoveling. and i figure that if there is a church within 2 blocks, then somebody around here belongs to it and probably saw me struggling with my pizza box and neglected their latter day saint duties by chosing to stay inside with their 18 children and hot cocoa.

latter day bastards.

the first snowflakes just started falling into the orange light of the streetlamp across the way. and while the scene outside looks much the same as a few nights ago, my thoughts are moving as fast as the oncoming blizzard. i may not have to go to work tomorrow. the ringing in my ears wont stop. akron/family could be the best band ive ever heard or seen. i saw them tonight. i met the head honcho today at work. yeah, that one. i wonder if ill ever be able to share days like this with a girl that i really care about. will i ever have furniture? these snowflakes are the biggest i’ve ever seen. my cab driver was named steve. he was really lonely. the super cute girl i shared the cab with called steve a nerd, and in an instant she became the most unattractive girl in the world. i wanted to tell steve that he was loved by the creator of the universe, but i made small talk instead and tipped him 3 dollars. like thats compensation. the creator is putting on a show…the snow is coming down harder. this blizzard may not be overestimated. i need snow boots. i left my overcoat at work. work. work. i cant see hardly anything for the snow. i should go to bed. the snow is now making a metallic sound as it hits the windows. goodnight.

…from a local rest stop:

…landon:

…xmastime is here:

tonight the church yard is silent, the crooked limbs of the trees are clothed in white, and the street is made of glass. the streetlamps make halos of yellow in a constantly falling sky, and i am at my window watching it all. there are sounds, slight sounds- the wind against the shutters, the watery hiss of the radiator below me and the occasional distant swoosh of tires through icy puddles.